Winter may be coming, but winter break can't come soon enough!

Tomorrow begins my least favorite month of the year.

Stop calling me a Grinch! It’s not because I hate Christmas!

And for once, I actually have a boyfriend, so Christmas this year will not be spent sitting in a darkened room with my parents and grandparents watching Rooney Mara get anally raped.  

 
 (No, Goodmans don’t typically celebrate Christmas with voyeuristic sodomy. My family made me see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo with them last year. And I had to watch that scene sandwiched between my mother and my grandmother. It was worse than the time my dog rolled in another dog’s excrement. We’re talking THAT level of bad.)

And it has nothing to do with my complete and utter lack of understanding of Christmas decorations that have nothing to do with Christmas. (Although I still don’t get why Christians make up random characters to go with their holidays. Jews have the Maccabees and Mordechai and Esther and all, but they are actually related to the holidays they go with. We don’t let a random fat man into our house to lure our children under a tree with presents. Nor do we send our kids to go sit on a strange man’s lap at the mall. Seriously, how does no one recognize that Santa is creepy? And wtf is up with a giant pink bunny hiding eggs? Bunnies don’t even lay eggs! That’s just confusing and equally creepy if it’s the same guy in the bunny suit as in the Santa costume!)

No, December is my least favorite month for three reasons: Hanukkah, cold weather, and school.

Let’s go in order, shall we?

Hanukkah is the world’s worst holiday. And the world’s best holiday because my parents still get me eight wonderful night’s worth of presents. And Sara loves her presents. (Hint hint loyal readers, my shoe size is 8 ½, Ulta gift cards are lovely, and diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Just saying.)

But Jewish guilt then demands that I make sure that my parents both have presents to open for each of the eight nights. Stupid? Yes. But I’m not telling my parents that it’s okay to not give ME a present for any of the eight nights, so they need something too. Even if it’s something little. And my dad hasn’t purchased a present for my mom since I was 12 (in some indeterminate year in the 1990s. I will give you no more clues to my age than that!), when he started dropping me off at the mall with a credit card and saying “buy your mother something nice.”

The problem? My mom hates everything. Like she’ll literally pick out a present, tell me she wants it, send me all over creation to find it, then decide she doesn’t really want it and make me return it. She doesn’t return it. I have to return it.

Add in that I hate malls, hate the Christmas music that blares in malls at this time of year incessantly (except the Bruce versions, which are acceptable year round), hate holiday shoppers, and hate crowds, and this time of year becomes the stuff of nightmares.

This year, I came up with a solution to the What-to-Get-My-Parents problem. I sent them the following email.

Okay parentals, we have reached the point where you need to give me Hanukkah ideas. I have one tiny present for dad, nothing for mom. Failure to respond to this email with ideas for yourself and/or each other will result in me getting a tattoo of "Mom" in a heart on one butt cheek, "Dad" in a heart on the other, and I will personally deliver and show off said presents at your respective places of business. So please give me some ideas because I really don't want that crap tattooed on my ass. K thanks bye.

Mom replied that she would work on it.

Dad didn’t reply.

And when I called my dad to tell him that I was on the way to the tattoo parlor to get his present, he said “Cool. Have fun.”

Thanks dad. Really. That was helpful.

Worst holiday ever. And therefore the panic attacks leading up to it when I have to come up with eight things to give my mother (she wants a grandchild, despite the fact that the boyfriend and I have decided that if we DO have a child in the future, we are naming him Jesus Nixon the Baptist III, just to piss my parents off. But that’s one present she’s NOT getting any time soon!) make December the worst month ever.

And even worse? It’s cold out. I’m a warm weather girl. I drive a convertible. I love the beach. And I REALLY hate shivering in the freezing pre-dawn air waiting for my dog to sniff out the one and only spot that she finds worthy of receiving her bodily excretions. (As a teacher, I’m not supposed to use profanity in my daily life, so I need to find creative ways to explain the process my dog uses in finding a spot to shit. Oops. Sorry mama.)

Is it winter break yet? OH WAIT, I still have three full weeks of school to teach in the worst teaching month. Because as kids get closer to time off from school, their behavior gets exponentially worse until even the best behaved students turn into something out of Lord of the Flies, complete with a conch shell, spears, hunting a beast, and killing a fat kid. Add the possibility of snow? You don’t want to think about that. Add in the fact that they KNOW a break is coming, that they’re getting presents, and that it might snow?

If you need me, I’ll be hiding under my desk, rocking like an autistic child. Just 75 more classes to teach after today until winter break. FML.

PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my best friend, Ary!  Love ya!

Who gets sick over winter break? Oh wait, me... but it's Delaware's fault!

Two weeks ago, I felt like I was coming down with a cold. No big deal, I thought. People get colds all the time. This was on Monday.

By Tuesday, I was running a fever and was pretty sure I was going to die. But again, I figured it was just a cold and that I could tough it out until the end of the week, then take winter break to recover. I’m not a big fan of using my sick days unless Bruce is touring, at which point I tend to come down with a mysterious ailment that flares up whenever he’s playing anywhere on the East coast, clears up at the end of the tour, and returns as soon as a new tour starts.

Unfortunately, Bruce wasn’t touring and it wasn’t a cold. I had contracted the dreaded flu.

Which makes ZERO sense, because I got a flu shot.

Of course, I get a flu shot every year, and it makes no difference, because I seem to get the flu every year.

My uncle (an ER doctor) told me that the reason for this is that the flu vaccine only contains the most common strains of that year’s flu, so it’s not uncommon to get the flu even after getting a flu shot.

But I’m not buying that explanation. I know the truth.

Well, okay, I don’t KNOW the truth. But I have several very plausible conspiracy theories that make better explanations.

Theory #1: It’s a plot on the part of my students to punish me for assigning them a research paper on Huck Finn. I don’t think they actually have their acts together enough to perpetrate germ warfare terrorism on this level, but when I thought about what group of people had the strongest reason to want to punish me, my students ranked high on the list. And it wouldn’t be all that hard for them to do. They’d just have to find sick people and get them to sneeze on their papers. I then handle the papers and boom! I’m sick. But kids, if it WAS you, please remember that I HAD to give you that paper. The county says so. Trust me, I’d rather write one Huck Finn paper than grade sixty of them! It’s not me you should be punishing!

Theory #2: Montgomery County has figured out that the majority of my absences coincide with Springsteen tour dates and decided to make sure that I got sick during a break so that I couldn’t use the break for anything fun. Basically they could do it the same way the kids could: infect a paper then give it to me as a memo or something. Again, unlikely, however, because I doubt the county has time to check my absences against Bruce’s tour schedule. And I’m 99 percent sure that if they can’t afford to give us raises, they’re not funding germ warfare.

Theory #3: Government Conspiracy A. This one really only applies if a lot of other teachers had the flu over break too, which I’ll find out today and get back to you on. Because what if the flu shot doesn’t REALLY do anything, and you need to GET the flu to be immune to this strain of it? I could see them infecting all the teachers during a break when we’re already going to be home and therefore saving money on substitute teachers. Think about it. It’s actually a smart plan!

Theory #4: Government Conspiracy B: The government is responsible for spreading the rumor that the flu shot makes you sick because they don’t actually have enough to inoculate everyone who would get it otherwise, and when they read my blog post about the flu shot NOT getting you sick, they realized I had to be stopped, so they infected me to keep me from blogging (which was actually quite effective for those couple weeks if that IS the case).

Theory #5: It’s Delaware’s fault. Right before I got sick, I went to New Jersey for a concert. Now I KNOW New Jersey didn’t get me sick, because I love New Jersey. I mean, if I’d been in Seaside Heights and contracted an STD, then it’d be a Jersey Shore thing, but I’m pretty sure Asbury Park isn’t spreading diseases. But I DID have to drive through Delaware to get to New Jersey. And stupid me, I stopped at the rest stop there to go to the bathroom and get gas. Which means that if Delaware WAS trying to silence me because of my blog about how much I hate their state, they definitely had the opportunity.

My best guess? Theory #5. Because when in doubt, I choose to blame Delaware. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the South Park movie would have been FAR more successful if the song was “Blame Delaware” instead of “Blame Canada.” Just to be safe, next time I head North, I’m keeping my windows tightly up and not stopping until I’m safely out of the state. I’m onto you Delaware, you’re not going to get ME sick again!

Two weeks later, I’m finally feeling mostly better. But I WILL find a way to retaliate Delaware. You’d better start sleeping with one eye open.

Just saying.

It's cold and dark. This time of year would be awesome... if I were a vampire!

It’s currently my least favorite time of the year.

No, I don’t mean the Christmas season.

I mean it's cold outside.

Because I hate cold weather the way I hate people who go ten miles per hour UNDER the speed limit when they drive past a speed camera.

Okay, that’s not ENTIRELY true. I like the cooler weather for about a week because I enjoy getting to wear my leather jacket and cute boots. And I like those newsboy hats that you can’t wear in warmer weather without looking like a jackass or a Britney Spears wannabe (and honestly, despite the successes she’s had, Britney Spears is the LAST thing I want to be).

But the novelty of my colder weather clothes wears off really, REALLY quickly.

And then I start wanting to make like a bird and fly south.

Which is where having a full-time job REALLY gets in the way.

I like almost everything about spring and summer better than fall and winter. I love wearing sandals. I hate wearing socks. I love wearing dresses. And I REALLY hate having to choose between wearing stockings and freezing when I wear a dress.

The last two years have been even worse on me though. Not because of the snow storms, but because I now have Rosie. When it’s warm out, I don’t mind throwing on a pair of boxer shorts and flip flops and taking her out in the morning or late at night. When it’s cold out, however, and I have to put on pants, a sweatshirt, a jacket, boots, a hat, and gloves, I mind. Because after you bundle up THAT much and go freeze outside waiting for Rosie to go, there’s no falling back asleep.

This is why I think global warming is such a gyp. It’s called global WARMING. In theory, if I start using aerosol hair sprays like it’s my job, stop recycling, use plastic at all times, leave all the lights on in my house at all times, and basically do everything I can to waste as much energy as possible, it SHOULD make the planet warmer.

No, I’m not stupid, I know it doesn’t work that way. And despite hating the cold weather, I’m kinda tempted to buy an electric car to get a polar bear to hug me, because I think this commercial is adorable.


(Although the making-of-the-commercial video is kind of cooler than the commercial itself.)


Global warming, in a lot of cases, does the exact opposite of what it sounds like it would do. And none of the movies about what’s going to happen are remotely accurate either. In the case of Waterworld, that’s a damn good thing because I get majorly seasick and would have to kill myself it the icecaps melting meant that the entire world would be underwater. Besides, I’d NEVER be able to get rid of the jewfro if there was that much water around. Suicide would, in fact, be my only option.

I do have to say though, that SOMETIMES, the climate change can work in my favor. If the freak snowstorms that hit the DC area last year (and I refuse to use the term “Snow-mageddon,” no matter what. When The Washington Post ran a contest to decide what to call the storms, I voted to call the storms “Kaiser Snow-se,” and I will not acknowledge the far inferior choice that the rest of the DC area made) are the result of climate change, I’m 100 percent in favor of it.

But Sara, you HATED walking Rosie in the snow!

Yes. But I LOVED getting nine days off of school that we didn’t have to make up. Because unlike everyone else, who went so stir crazy that they started writing Redrum on the walls and chasing their families with axes, Shining-style, I can entertain myself in the house for days on end.

But I think the worst thing about this particular time of year isn’t even the cold weather. It’s the time change. I mean, I LOVED the extra hour of sleep Saturday night (not that Rosie let me enjoy it… she just jumped on my face to wake me up an hour earlier Sunday morning. I need to train her to wake me up in a better way. The pouncing on my head method is unpleasant to say the least.

I also appreciate the time change in the morning, when for a couple of days, it feels like I’m getting up at 6:30am instead of 5:30am. And as an insomniac night owl, I fall asleep a little easier for the first couple of nights when my body thinks I’m going to sleep later.

But I REALLY hate the afternoons, when it gets dark at like 2:30. Because the problem is that from November to March, I don’t see the sun at all on school days. And while I know vampires are totally hot right now, and while I’d TOTALLY be willing to keep these hours for Eric Northman, I really start resenting school when it keeps me from even seeing five minutes of sunlight a day.

Short of building a machine with the exact opposite purpose of the one Mr. Burns used to block out the sun or moving to a spot smack dab on the equator, where the days stay the same length at all times, I don’t have a solution to this problem.

So if anyone has the smarts and resources to build a darkness-blocking-out device, or the funds to move me and all my stuff to a warmer climate, please let me know. I’ll be extremely grateful.