I’m still a Twitter newbie and therefore don’t use it as well as I probably should to promote my blog/book, and I have a bunch of my students following me, so I have to keep it clean or risk being hauled into my principal’s office to explain whatever mildly off-color joke I made or re-tweeted.
I have a couple of favorite people who I follow on Twitter. For example, I follow most of the cast of Jersey Shore. Because they’re ridiculous. And I follow Jessica Simpson. Because she’s an idiot (but I love her shoes).
And Steve Martin. Because he’s hilarious. But there are two Twitter users (twits?) that stand out as so far and away above everyone else on Twitter.
And no, Bruce Springsteen isn’t one of them. (Shocking, I know. If he was actually the one tweeting from his account, he probably would be. But it’s one of his lackeys instead.)
My two favorites are Lord Voldemort and Batman.
I know, I know, these seem like odd choices. I’m not obsessed with Harry Potter and I didn’t even see The Dark Knight until it was on cable (not even on-demand. Like regular premium cable). But whoever the people are that are running these two pages, they’re geniuses.
Don’t believe me? Check out these tweets:
Lord_Voldemort7: Miley Cyrus' mom had an affair with Bret Michaels. I think I can speak for both the Death Eaters & the world when I say: ew.
Lord_Voldemort7: BREAKING NEWS: the vast number of Katy Perry, Ke$ha & Twilight vampire costumes has created a world shortage of glitter & excess of shame!
Lord_Voldemort7: Demi Lovato's in rehab. Why hasn't Disney caught on that they suck? Lindsay, Britney, Demi etc. I bet Mickey Mouse is a closet crack addict.
Lord_Voldemort7: Couple names are stupid as hell. Really tweens? "Jashley"? It's not even combing names, it's Ashley with a j. You "fsuck". Guess that combo.
Lord_Voldemort7: #thingswomenshouldstopdoing Tiger Woods.
Lord_Voldemort7: Jessica Rabbit proves people will only like Gingers if they're hot girls. Sucks for you, Weasleys.
Lord_Voldemort7:"All that glitters is not gold" True. Sometimes it's morons pretending to be vampires.
Lord_Voldemort7: People are always asking me to kill their friends. Listen, if you want them murdered, you're not really friends.
Granted, a few of those only make sense if you’ve read the Harry Potter books and/or the Twilight books (which it turns out Lord Voldemort hates more than Harry Potter. Go figure). But having read all of those books (and kinda agreeing with Voldemort about Twilight being ridiculous), I love all of his tweets. I sort of wonder if it’s ACTUALLY JK Rowling who owns that page. I feel like that would be the only thing that would make it MORE hilarious.
Whoever is running Batman’s page branches out further though. He and Voldemort BOTH hate Justin Bieber with a passion. I don’t REALLY have anything against the kid except that I don’t love his music. But I do enjoy Batman hating on him. And on Robin. Who is clearly the worst sidekick ever with the POSSIBLE exception of George W. Bush (who was Cheney’s sidekick, not the other way around. The more evil one is ALWAYS the primary and the dumber one is ALWAYS the sidekick… duh).
I just discovered @God_Damn_Batman on Twitter the other day, but he’s already become my absolute favorite. Here’s why:
God_Damn_Batman: Tomorrow you will vote. The symbol you need right now isn't a Donkey. Or an Elephant. It's a Bat. Wearing body armor.
God_Damn_Batman: Going to spend Halloween the way I do every year. Beating the crap out of kids dressed as Joker. They learn a life lesson. I get candy.
God_Damn_Batman: Disappeared while Gordon was still talking. And left behind a flaming bag of poo. Happy Halloween, Commissioner.
God_Damn_Batman: Jersey Shore finale tonight. THANK GOD. So sick of hearing Alfred complain about scrubbing spray tan out of Robin's uniform.
God_Damn_Batman: Gotham has more gargoyles per capita than any other city in the world. But not a single Chipotle? FAIL.
God_Damn_Batman: Robin has mysteriously started skipping patrols Tuesday nights. Either he's working a contact for intel or Glee is back on.
God_Damn_Batman: My sensei once taught me the forbidden "Dim-Mak Death Touch." I never considered using it. Until I saw The Situation.
God_Damn_Batman: Thinking of replacing Robin with a grizzly bear in spandex. Sure it would be a tactical disaster but Riddler's expression would be worth it.
God_Damn_Batman: New idea for a TV show. It's called "Gotham Shore." Basically the same as Jersey Shore except I shatter the cast's kneecaps.
God_Damn_Batman: I have two recurring nightmares. 1. My parents' murder. 2. Being trapped in Arkham, forced to watch Jersey Shore.
God_Damn_Batman Caught Robin lifting his shirt and pointing at his abs in the mirror. Not sure what he meant by "The Situation", but I'm canceling cable.
I want Batman and Voldemort to have a Twitter fight. I’m pretty sure Batman would win because Voldemort got defeated by a 17-year-old wizard with glasses (and was defeated by the same kid the first time when Harry was a baby). But the sarcastic exchanges would be awesome. So Batman and Voldemort, if you’re reading this (and I do plan to tweet it to them), please follow each other and fight. Because I could really use some cheering up right now.
Because according to Twitter, the Situation now has a book deal.
Yes. This guy.
He's such a jerk that he even has the shape of a dick between his abs. I didn't photoshop that. It's real.
I’m not even sure he can read. And HE has a book deal.
And I don’t.
If that doesn’t belong on Fmylife.com, I don’t know what does.
I don't have a joke to go with that. But please go tell everyone you know to buy my book so that I can hopefully get a real book deal before the Situation's book comes out. Because like the Fail Whale, this is just super depressing.