Bring on your Wrecking Ball--Two weeks early!

Christmas came way early Sunday night in the form of the new Springsteen album leaking more than two weeks before its release date.

Not that I really know from Christmas, being Jewish, but it sounds better than saying Hanukkah came early. And it really was more like Christmas because I got all of the songs at once, as opposed to the E Street Radio and Backstreets.com Chinese-water-torture-Hanukkah method of playing one new song a day until the album comes out.

So a mere ten minutes after I got the first message containing the link to the album (which was AGONIZING because the little status bar SAID I only had to wait six minutes. I swear, between that and the Ticketmaster “Your wait time is 15 minutes” message, I’m going to stroke out the next time I get an inaccurate wait time for something online), I was listening to Wrecking Ball. And even though it turns out that my next door neighbor IS, in fact, alive and well (which, in his case, means angry and bitter), I cranked it. Because that’s what you do when you listen to new Bruce.

And in case you’re not tech savvy enough to have the album yet (or don’t have friends like mine who will send it to you—I won’t name names, but you know who you are, and thank you! <3), or if you’re just DYING to know my take on it because I'm the girl who literally wrote the book on being a Bruce fan, I’m going to break it down, song by song for you.


1. “We Take Care of Our Own”


Okay, you’ve already heard this one. And if you haven’t, you’ve been living under a rock, and if that’s the case, how are you reading this blog? I’m not going to go into WTCOOO though, because you either already get it or you already think it’s a “Yay America!” song for you to pump your fist to in concert while you pat yourself on the back saying, “We DO take care of our own! Go us!”

And you wonder why I’m so misanthropic. People are idiots.

2. “Easy Money”

The second song on the album is the first real clue that this isn’t your typical Bruce album. You couldn’t take this song and slap it onto any other album and make it fit. It’s a country song. And while I normally hate country music, I get where he’s going with this one. Maybe he eased me into it with the Seeger sessions and all, but I’m already finding myself singing along and dancing a little to this. Granted, I’m dancing like a drunk chick at a country show, so it’s not something you’d WANT to see. But it kind of makes me want to buy a cowboy hat and some boots.

3. “Shackled and Drawn”

Eesh. It’s a country album isn’t it? Oh crap, Bruce went country. And he’s kind of yodeling. I’m never going live this down with people who already make fun of me for being obsessed with him, am I? I don’t even think I can make the folk argument that we could with the Seeger sessions. This is country. And I like it. It’s got a good beat to it. And it’s catchy. Even with the gospel-y background singers. And the yodeling. Do you think they make stiletto cowboy boots?

4. “Jack of All Trades”

I have a feeling this is going to be the bathroom break song of the tour. (Assuming he doesn’t bring “Mary’s Place” back that is.) It’s not bad. And lyrically, it’s one of the strongest on the album because it has a seriously poignant message about the current state of the economy and what’s happening to people who are losing their ability to earn a living. The problem is that it’s just too slow. It kind of reminds me of “Devil’s Arcade” in that it SHOULD be a great song. The story of it is fabulous. But musically, it’s a slow waltz. Like I could picture it being the song for a music box that you wind up and there’s a little animatronic Bruce and Patti waltzing across a darkened stage. It feels like “Cherry Blossoms” off of the Horrible Crowes’ debut album Elsie—it just drags the party down too much. I like it, but I don’t think this is going to get much airtime on my iPod.

5. “Death to My Hometown”

Love it. It’s got that folksy-country feel to it that most of this album has, but I think that this one is going to rock live. It has a passion to it that I haven’t felt on this album since the opening track. There’s a solid beat, and I can picture Bruce making his angry guitar face when he’s declaring that they “brought death to my hometown, boys.” 

Although from 2:15 to 2:35, Bruce kind of channeled the Grateful Dead’s “Throwing Stones” and I definitely started singing “So the kids they dance, they shake their bones, while the politicians throwing stones, singing ashes, ashes all fall down,” then was like, oops, wrong song… But I like that one too, so it works.

6. “This Depression”

This one is going to get old fast. Mostly because the confession-depression rhyme is repeated WAY too much. I could see this song fitting on The Rising or Magic pretty easily. It’s not as good of a story as “Jack of All Trades,” but it doesn’t stop the album like that one does. I’ll keep listening, but I think this one is a throwaway for me so far.

7. “Wrecking Ball”

On first listen, I was super disappointed by the title track. Partially because I was at Giants Stadium the second time that he played it, which was the show that the live released version and video were recorded at. And the album version lacks the passion, the fire, the spirit, the—well, the Bruce-ness of the live version. This one sounds like someone’s grandpa telling a story. I half expected him to add a verse saying, “Sonny, when I was your age, I had to walk ten miles to school every day, barefoot in the snow, uphill both ways.”

But then I really thought about it. Because in its original form, this is the one song that doesn’t fit in on an album about the economic injustice of the country right now. The original was a fun rocker to close the last shows at the Meadowlands with. So why on earth would Bruce pick THAT song as the title song of the album? Then I understood the grandpa-ish feel of the new version. It makes it more neutral, less about Bruce in Giants Stadium. I think I still prefer the live version, but I get what he’s going for here. And maybe the real album version, not the leaked mp3s will sound a little thicker and a little less tinny.


8. “You’ve Got It”

Hey, I remember this song! It used to be called “All or Nothin’ At All,” was a lot faster, and was on the album Human Touch. Wasn’t it?

Bruce, I love you. But that’s NOT the album to be pulling outtakes from.

9. “Rocky Ground”

I have a feeling most Bruce fans are going to HATE this one. It actually manages to combine Bruce, gospel, and rap in one song. I’m not big on gospel or rap, but this is kind of cool. And even if you hate it, you’ve got to appreciate that Bruce can branch out instead of just producing the same album over and over again in different forms. (And for that, I like this song way better than “You’ve Got It,” which seriously does feel like a recycle.)

10. “Land of Hope and Dreams”

After a dozen years of playing this one live, it was an interesting choice to put on the new album. And in the first thirty seconds of the song, I worried. A lot. Because the gospel thing at the beginning did not work for me. But a studio LOHAD was worth the wait. It feels pure and redemptive and better than it’s felt live in years. And that last recorded solo from Clarence brought tears to my eyes.


I also kind of wondered at the lack of a song for Clarence on this album. Terry Magovern got “Terry’s Song.” Danny Federici got “The Last Carnival.” But listening to “Land of Hope and Dreams,” Bruce doesn’t need to tack on a song for Clarence. Because Clarence really WAS the biggest man you’ve ever seen. He got to play on his own goodbye song. And I think that’s the most fitting tribute to him that there could ever be.


11. “We Are Alive”

Okay, ignoring the Zippity Doo Dah riff that comes in at about 1:45 (...and at 2:45... and at 4:30...) and the weird foot stomping in the middle of the song, this one is kind of cool. Yeah, it’s more Seeger than E Street. But I like the lyrics. Even though I do picture Snow White’s animals cleaning the house while whistling this one.


So there you have it. It’s a VERY different album. And as several people who have heard it before have said, E Street it isn’t. (Wow, I just turned into Yoda there… sorry.) But even though it’s not Born to Run or Darkness on the Edge of Town, I think new Bruce music is like sex. Even if it’s bad, it’s still new Bruce music, which is better than no new Bruce music. And this is far from bad—it’s just trying something new that will take a little getting used to.

Just don’t judge me if you see me at shows next month rocking a cowboy hat and boots. A few more listens and you may be doing the same!

Attention Bruce fans: it's time to rebel! Occupy Ticketmaster!

Like most other rabid Springsteen fans, I spent a large portion of my weekend dealing with the utter failure of a system that is Ticketmaster.

I won some.  I lost some.  I got the 15-minute wait time message that lasted close to two hours.  I ripped out huge chunks of hair in frustration.  I cried.  I smashed things.  I roared my terrible roar and gnashed my terrible teeth.  And, in the end, I wound up with the tickets that I was looking for.

Others weren’t so lucky.

Ticketmaster claimed on Friday that the problems were caused by scalpers, who launched a massive cyber attack on the site.

Which I might be more likely to believe was really the issue if Ticketmaster didn’t own TicketsNow, one of the biggest resale sites out there.

And if seats for the shows hadn’t been on TicketsNow BEFORE the on-sale date.

Yeah.

Sounds fishy to me too.

Clearly, something needs to be done.

And of course, as the future ruler of the world, I have the solution.

First, Ticketmaster needs to be deposed. That much is obvious and uncontested. I think that anyone who tried to buy a ticket from them over the last few days is in absolute agreement that this needs to happen.

The question is how.

Unfortunately, cyber attacks don’t seem to be the answer. If Ticketmaster is telling the truth, then all cyber attacks accomplish is making the fans angrier. It didn’t actually bring about any kind of a change, it just dicked everyone over.


So if we want to actually overthrow Ticketmaster, like with any evil dictator, we need to do it old-school. I mean, we can use social media to organize the protest, like Egypt did, but in the end, it’s going to need to be a storming-the-Bastille type revolution.

Their corporate offices are in LA, so I recommend we do it when we’re out there for the LA Bruce show in April. You know, the whole kill two birds with one stone type of deal.

But what happens when Ticketmaster is gone?

Lots of people have been suggesting better ways to deal with ticketing. I’ve heard rumblings on the message boards of people blaming Bruce’s camp for this snafu, as well as suggesting that there be a fan club to help the “real fans” get tickets first. And I mean, that’s not the world’s worst answer. But it’s not the best answer either.

The problem is that when Ticketmaster has been destroyed, odds are, much of the rest of society will fall apart as well. There will be complete and utter anarchy as people scramble to get their tickets without the totalitarian despotic regime of Ticketmaster dictating how our tickets need to be obtained. And unless we put another system in place, there will be riots, natural disasters and biblical style plagues as people try to get their tickets.

And that’s just what I’m gong to inflict on the people who keep me from getting MY tickets.

Luckily, I have the answer.

We need a Hunger Games-style, to-the-death, battle royale to determine who gets which tickets.

No really. It’s the perfect solution.

Think about it. The scalpers won’t bother, because they’re completely soulless and just trying to profit off the misery of others. They’re not going to risk their OWN lives to get tickets to see Bruce.

But the rest of us? Oh hell yeah. It's on.

AND it fixes a lot of other things that everyone has been whining about on recent Bruce tours. Think about it. How many times have you NOT been in the front of the pit because little kids were up there? How many times have you sat through Bruce pulling them up to sing “Waiting on a Sunny Day”?


They won’t survive the ticketing process, so that problem is solved. AND their annoying parents will be so busy trying to protect the little ones that it'll be really easy to take them out too.

And how many times have you been surrounded by drunken idiots yelling out requests for songs that no one wants to hear? Like the idiots who brought signs requesting “Mary’s Place.” I mean, REALLY? You REALLY want to hear “Mary’s Place” again? I only went to four shows on the Rising tour and STILL spent more time listening to that song than it would take to watch Gone With the Wind. Twice.


Luckily, with my system, the drunken idiots would no longer be at the shows, because they’d be the first ones to go down after the kids in the battle royale. It’s REALLY easy to knock a drunk down. Just put on a strobe light. They fall down on their own. (That actually works. And it’s REALLY fun to do if you’re sober at a party. Yes, I’m a horrible person. Deal with it.)

Of course, some people might argue that a better system might be to just sell tickets the day of the show at the door. You show up, pay, go in, done. No more scalpers. But where’s the fun in that? Where’s the competitive edge? Where’s the sheer joy of beating the crap out of the people who want to get your tickets?

No, my solution is clearly the answer.

Or, I suppose the government could step in and actually enforce some of those antitrust laws, which, as I understand it, were written to prevent corporations like Ticketmaster from holding a complete monopoly and causing problems like those that happened this weekend.

That might work too.

Springsteen tickets go on sale today: Game on.

I’m not exactly an athlete, but today is opening day of the one sport that I’m a pro at.

Yes.

Springsteen tickets go on sale today.

Game on.

To the non-competitive fans out there, I know it doesn’t sound like much of an athletic activity, but trust me, it requires months of preparation, mental agility, cat-like reflexes, and the patience of a Buddhist monk.

If you’re smart like I am, you’re in constant training. There’s no off-season when you’re serious about getting Bruce tickets.

The preparation starts with location and a credit card. For any given tour, there are certain cities that are likely to get concerts. It’s important to anticipate which of these are within a reasonable driving distance (a twelve-hour radius is acceptable on your own, more if you have a second driver going with you), and to make sure that you’ve bought enough stuff with your credit card to rack up the mileage points to enable you to travel to the shows outside of that reasonable radius. I recommend charging all concert tickets on mileage credit cards, because then your tickets work toward your travel goals as well. This stage of the training process can take years, but if you’re an chronic shopper like I am, you can make training fun.

Next, you need to take up yoga. This is the part that’s hard for me. I’m not a patient person. If I’m going to work out, I want to run and lift heavy things. (Yes, like running toward sales and carrying shopping bags loaded with shoes. Shut up. I work out for real. Jerks.)

You see, to deal with Ticketmaster, you need yoga. Because Ticketmaster is the single most evil corporation in the history of the world. It’s a little-known fact that it has been around for hundreds of years, since LONG before you were able to buy tickets online, or by phone, or even in a kiosk (which was before my ticket-buying time). I actually have a theory that Ticketmaster was single-handedly responsible for the Kennedy assassination, the Holocaust, the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand (which started World War I), the Indonesian tsunami, George W. Bush, and the Microsoft corporation.

Seriously. The root of all modern evil.

And it’s apparently an unbreakable monopoly since the Live Nation merger, so there’s no way around dealing with them.

But you need yoga because it’s imperative that you are able to keep calm when dealing with Ticketmaster, even when you get the dreaded error message that tells you that there’s a problem processing your order when you pulled the exact seats that you wanted (GA, in my case—if it’s not the pit, it’s not perfect!), and you get thrown back into the queue, then told there are no tickets available.

Normally, when this happens, I turn into the Incredible Hulk. Literally. I turn green, sprout massive muscles, and run around smashing everything in my path yelling, “SARA MAD!” But with yoga’s meditation techniques, I’ve been able to control my anger to the point where I only turn slightly green, grow muscles that don’t destroy my clothes, and am able to grit my teeth, tell Ticketmaster to go do something that isn’t anatomically possible for it to do to itself, and keep hitting refresh, hoping that that tickets that an error message screwed someone else out of will pop back up for me to buy.

Trust me, without yoga, the cost of repairing the swath of destruction wreaked by Ticketmaster rage far exceeded the exorbitant Ticketmaster fees. And that’s saying something.

You also need to be prepared to type in the randomly generated “codes” that Ticketmaster provides to ensure that you’re human. And which are also the primary source of amusement for Ticketmaster employees other than causing system errors after giving you great tickets. One time the randomly-generated code said, “Nice try, loser,” right before saying there were no tickets available. Another time it said “No Bruce for you.” And another one said “ham sandwich.” (Okay, that one MIGHT have been random. Or it could have been a subtle jab at me because I’m Jewish and onto Ticketmaster about orchestrating the Holocaust.) But the more practice you have at reading and rapidly typing in those infuriating codes, the better your ticket chances are.

In order to get tickets to multiple shows (and let’s face it, I’m going to be at multiple shows on this tour), you sometimes need to perfect the art of being in multiple places at once. Tickets for both Philadelphia shows go on sale at the same time tomorrow (from ComcastTix, which is like Ticketmaster but with a less reliable website. Fail.). If you buy for one show, the second one will be sold out by the time you finish your purchase. I recommend cloning yourself and training your clone to buy tickets. However, I’m on a teacher’s salary and since it apparently costs $50,000 to clone a dog (and since cloning people isn’t legal… yet… muahahaha), that option is out for me. So if you can’t afford a clone, or have issues with playing God, you need a partner. I, for example, will be forced to rely on a less trained helper (my dad) to get tickets for the other Philly night. Pray for me. (Just kidding, daddy! I have faith in your abilities! But please try hard!)

And it’s wise to remember that buying tickets is a marathon, not a sprint. Because I’m not JUST planning to go to shows in New Jersey, which go on sale today. Oh no. I’m getting up early on a Saturday to buy my tickets for the DC and Philly shows tomorrow.

But even once I get my tickets, it’s not time to rest yet. It’s just time to start training to buy my tickets for the second US leg of the tour, which hasn’t even been announced yet.

And time to start training for pit survival--If you don’t condition your legs and bladder, that’s an uncomfortable experience. Worth every second of it, but uncomfortable all the same.

Good luck fellow tramps!

Let the ticket-buying begin!

Hot girls have problems too, ya know...

I get told pretty frequently that my life must be awesome because hot girls have it easy.

To which I usually flip my perfectly coiffed hair over my shoulder, flash a brilliantly white smile, and say thanks.

Except I secretly want to stab people who say that.

Because I’m about to let you in on a well-kept secret: hot girls have problems too.

Now I know you’re reading this and thinking, Sure. Uh huh. Hot girl problems are tragic. Right.

Well we do. Because NO ONE rolls out of bed in the morning looking like this, despite what movies and tv shows will have you believe. Not even supermodels.

In fact, supermodels have a whole team of people who make sure they look that good whenever there could be a camera around. Which is why it’s so crazily amusing to Google pictures of celebrities without makeup. Seriously. Miranda Kerr looks like Gollum when she’s not wearing makeup. Which I guess makes sense, since her husband, Orlando Bloom was IN those movies. But still.

No, it takes work to look like this. Let’s start with the hair. Everyone knows that long hair is super sexy. But do you know how much work long hair takes to maintain? I, for example, have a jewfro. But you wouldn’t know that without me telling you because I’ve spent countless hours and huge sums of money taming it. On average, it takes me over two hours to blowdry and flatiron my hair to get it to be perfectly straight but with JUST the right amount of volume as well.  That’s two hours that I could be spending sleeping, writing my next novel, learning a new language, or just generally having a life.

But no. Instead, I’m making sure that my hair fits through doors. Hot girl problems.

And sticking on the subject of pesky follicles: body hair. Hot girls can’t have any. So I shave my legs every single day.  Yes, even in winter.  That’s another 15 minutes earlier that I have to get up in the morning. And I don’t care what anyone tells you, waxing sucks. Men, unless you have had all of the hair ripped out of your nether regions by a small Asian woman wielding hot wax on a tongue depressor, don’t even start with me. I know how much you whine when your girlfriend plucks your unibrow, but trust me, that’s nothing compared to the pain that the Brazilians have inflicted upon women.

And no one likes their women to be too pale, so tanning is necessary. But tanning causes cancer. And, in extreme cases, Jersey-Shore-ism, a horrible disease where you turn completely orange and your entire face peels off, Pauly-D style. So we come upon yet another hot girl problem—avoiding being too pale without looking like you work for Willy Wonka or getting cancer. Marilyn was wrong—diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend. Bronzer is.

On second thought, no.

Diamonds are still a girl’s best friend. Bronzer just helps her make those friends.

Which brings us to makeup. Yes, I love makeup. But I’m pretty sure I spend more annually at Sephora and Ulta than the running budget of a moderately-sized first world country. I wouldn’t quite go as big as France, but definitely significantly more than it takes to run Portugal or England.

But Sara, that’s crazy!

No, it’s just another hot girl problem.

The trick, however, is to use enough makeup to make it look like you’re not wearing any. So in addition to being master depilators, hot girls have to be artists, and in some cases, magicians. Because we’re also hiding the fact that we get MUCH less sleep than the average-looking members of the population due to all the time it takes to look as good as we do. But, if you use too much makeup, the hotness factor is negated. That’s why they gave all the Jersey Shore girls (except Deena, whom no one anywhere would EVER confuse with a hot girl, even with the thickest beer goggles on the planet) make-UNDERS.

But making sure that we look our best at all times isn’t the only source of hot girl problems.

Oh no.

There are also huge misconceptions about hot girls that we have to fight each and every day.

For example, contrary to popular belief, a woman’s intelligence cannot be calculated as inversely proportional to her breast size. If that formula worked, you wouldn’t be reading this blog right now because I would be too busy running around with a pot on my head, letting my teeny, tiny pea-sized brain rattle all around in the big empty wasteland above my shoulders to write it. Sorry fellas.


And a lot of people think that if a girl is hot, she’s automatically a bitch—well—oh okay, that one is usually true.

But the one about how we never have to buy ourselves a drink, that one is totally—hmm… well I guess that’s true too.

Come to think of it, I guess I should stop complaining. Being a hot girl does have plenty of advantages that just about outweigh the amount of time and energy that it takes to look this good.

And I’m sure the rest of the population has their problems too.

Like earning enough money to pay for all of our drinks.


(And for anyone who didn’t figure it out, this entire post was satirical and I’m really not a stuck up, horrible person who goes around telling everyone how hot I am. But my hair DOES take two hours to dry and straighten. So please go buy my books so I can afford to get it Brazilian straightened again and fight the ‘fro when the weather gets warmer! Otherwise, you might just be its next victim!*)

*Not a threat because I have zero control over who the jewfro attacks. It could be you. It could be someone in Paraguay. It could be anyone. But if my books sell well enough, I’ll earn enough money to keep it tame for a few more months and humanity will be safe again.

The Devil Inside wasn't scary. So here's a list of things that are.

I like scary movies.


I’m not talking about the crazily gruesome Saw/Human Centipede variety. You couldn’t pay me to watch those.

But genuine horror movies, when done well, are awesome.

A good horror movie doesn’t just make you jump during the film—it does that too, don’t get me wrong—but a REALLY good horror movie will keep you scared LONG after you leave the theater. If you’re not cowering under the covers with the lights on for a week, the movie didn’t do its job.

Stephen King is, of course, the master of horror. The movies of his books didn’t really scare me, but I’m still haunted by some of his creations. I first read The Shining when I was twelve years old, and to this day, I STILL have to turn on the lights when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night to make sure that the chick from the bathtub in room 217 isn’t in MY bathtub.

Paranormal Activity didn’t scare me THAT much until my calendar fell off the wall about an hour after watching it. But it succeeded because I definitely debated putting baby powder around my bed to see if a demon stepped in it that night, and made Rosie sleep on the outside of the bed, just so the demon would eat her first.

The same thing happened with The Ring. I wasn’t particularly scared at the time. But when I fell asleep with the tv on a week later and woke up that night to snow on the screen, then realized it was EXACTLY seven days after I’d watched the movie, I went diving into my roommate’s room and insisted on sleeping in her bed. Turns out the cable was just out, but I wasn’t taking any chances!

But there’s nothing worse than a failure of a horror movie.

Trust me. I know from experience.

Because I saw The Devil Inside Friday night and it was the second worst movie-going experience of my life. The first being having to watch the anal rape scene in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo sitting between my mother and grandmother on Christmas day. Seriously. It was up there with THAT level of bad.

The problem? There wasn’t a single truly scary moment in the whole movie.

Literally, the scariest thing that happened in it was when the characters walk past a fenced-in yard and a dog jumps out and starts barking from behind the fence.

I’m not kidding.

And considering that the previews looked super-scary, I don’t understand how it can have epic-failed as much as it did.


People in the theater actually booed when it ended. I’ve never seen that happen before.

I could summarize all of the reasons why it completely sucked, but I’m not even going to dignify the movie with that level of description. Instead, I’m going to give you a list of things that scare me MORE than The Devil Inside.

1. Stink bugs—I almost crashed my car on four separate occasions when I noticed stink bugs in my car. MUCH scarier than that movie.

2. ET—That little alien scares the crap out of me. I mean, he appears to me made of brown leather, his heart glows, he hides in your closet and eats all of the Reese's Pieces. NOT okay.

3. Twilight fans—these tweens are going to be running the world someday. Be afraid.

4. Joan Rivers’ face—do I need to explain this one?

5. Lady Gaga—I like her. I do. But I'm also scared of her.

6. Peeing on the third rail of the Metro—granted, I’m a girl and would have to literally be right on top of it to try this, and I have no intention of ever doing it. But if you really COULD get electrocuted from peeing on it, that’s scary as hell.

7. Cats—pure unadulterated evil. Except the ones that look like Hitler. They’re ok in my book.

8. Walt Disney’s frozen head—okay, say they find a cure for whatever killed him and bring him back. He’s just going to be a semi-defrosted head. I think if you’re dead, you need to stay dead. And if you’re frozen, STAY FROZEN.

9. The MVA—Call me sheltered if you will, but I never realized the scum of humanity that exists until I went to renew my driver’s license. I’d stay in the Overlook all alone for the winter over going back there, ANY day.

10. Those condoms that are advertised as being 40 percent thinner—I don’t know about you, but when it comes to something that’s supposed to be protection against AIDS, less is NOT more. I feel like if you use those, to quote Mean Girls, you WILL get pregnant and die.


11. The old ladies who walk around buck naked in the gym locker room—Like okay, I understand you need to change your clothes in there. But do you need to dry your hair naked? Or try to have a conversation with me? It’s disturbing!

12. The lion and tiger habitats at the zoo—every once in awhile, you hear those stories about the jungle cats just deciding to leap over the wall. And I know they can. So the lesson here is, do NOT taunt the tigers. They CAN eat you if they want to.

13. Walmart—I’ve never been there and I have no intention of going there. But looking at peopleofwalmart.com means that I know Walmart is scarier than that movie was.

14. The Loch Ness Monster.

15. Pennies--No, they’re not scary. But neither was The Devil Inside.  Then again, my brother swallowed one once.  So next time you're handing a penny, just remember, someone might have pooped that out before you touched it.  Come to think of it, that's pretty scary.  And gross.

16. The fact that someone actually green-lit this idiocy of a script and MADE THIS MOVIE. Seriously. Our society has reached an all-time low point now.

All I can say is the The Woman in Black better be actually scary, despite starring Harry Potter. Because I’m planning to see that one, and if it’s even half as bad as The Devil Inside, the creators of those movies are going to have something REALLY scary to fear.

Me.

Because I want a refund on both the money AND the time I wasted watching that crap.